Lucy Danziger, editor in chief of Self, and Catherine Birndorf, a psychiatrist and expert on women’s mental health issues, have teamed up to figure out why it’s all too common for women to be thrown off balance if things are going well in all areas of life except for one. In their new book, THE NINE ROOMS OF HAPPINESS: Loving Yourself, Finding Your Purpose, and Getting Over Life’s Little Imperfections (Voice; December 21, 2010; $14.99; Paperback), they use the simple metaphor of a house to illustrate the central problem: when women should be grateful for what they have in their
lives in the room at hand, they are either seeing the room’s imperfections or, worse, worrying about another room. The book takes women through different parts of their lives (homes), helps them understand their patterns, and gives them new ways of thinking to solve their own problems. We sat down with the two authors to chat about their new book, the importance of taking care of yourself first, and happiness.
Did you ever think you’d be writing a book on happiness?
No, we both thought the very idea of HAPPINESS out of book was absurd. It’s not possible for all women to benefit from one idea, one story. So we created the “Key Processes” of ways to think, the strategize and to approach the conflicts that many women feel. We interviewed hundreds of women and include about 90 stories in the book of real women from all backgrounds, ages and stages and tried to offer a tool kit for readers to use in their own lives, to solve their own problems. We hope that women tell us what worked for them, on our website, Ninerooms.com, and share their own pearls of wisdom there. Happiness is a fraught word. We jokingly call it the “H word.” In fact, in our book we explain that it’s just shorthand. Lucy thinks of it as trying to remember to have gratitude for all that is going right in her day. And Catherine says she wants to feel content, and an absence of unhappiness.
How did a house come to be the central theme of your book, The Nine Rooms of Happiness?
We thought of women’s emotional lives as areas they could work on one at a time to not get overwhelmed. So the house metaphor is useful so she can shut the door on some rooms and work on the one that is the biggest “mess of the day” but it’s a metaphoric house and we want to be clear: we don’t live in grand houses and you can live in a studio and this book
still applies to your inner life.
Can you explain the concept of The Nine Rooms of Happiness?
Your inner life is divided up into areas: the bedroom for romance and intimacy, the living room for friends, the bathroom for body image and wellbeing, the kitchen for chores, and Catherine’s favorite: the basement which is where your store memories and childhood events that still matter to you today. It’s a great way of thinking about what brings you down or conversely what makes you happy? Friendships? Family? Your work or your hobbies? We even have a tenth room where you go and think about the things that matter most to you and how to fit more of those into your day.
What made you want to offer your advice to other women?
Catherine is a psychiatrist who can only help one person at a time and this is a way to help millions of women through the strategies in the book. We call them Key Processes and there are nine that women can use interchangeably to resolve conflict and feel happier day to day. Lucy wants women to be fit, yes, and healthy but it’s not going to work unless they are happy also. So happiness was the goal and this book is the tool kit.
Which room do you find to be the messiest for women?
It depends on your stage of life. What are you focusing on right now? Friendships are usually big in your 20s, and in your 30s its family and career. It really is individual though and every woman can answer that for herself. What brings you down when everything else should be okay? That’s the room to work on first.
What is your definition of happiness?
Lucy: Gratitude and feeling unspoiled. Appreciating what you have. Catherine: Contentment. Being happy enough to not feel unhappy.
Do you have any tips on how stay happy and still juggle a full plate (work, relationships, children, etc.)?
We have nine strategies and one of them is this: Too much of a good thing is a bad thing. Know you limits. You have to do what the airline say and put your own oxygen mask on first. If you collapse because you’re so busy helping others that you fail to take care of yourself, then you’re no good to anyone. Women want to take care of everything and everyone around them. We say: first take care of yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s self-preservation and those who love you want you to be healthy and happy. Take time for you. Do what you love. The rest will still be waiting when you return.
Is there an exercise from your book, you’d like to share with our readers?
Try the relationship equation…. A + B = C. If you are A and the person making you unhappy is B and C is your relationship. You can’t change them, B, but you can change your reaction and how you act, and that changes C. Try it. It WILL work. You can change the outcome and that’s all that matters.
What advice would you offer to aspiring self help authors?
Write from the heart and give advice people can really use. The kinds of helpful strategies that work on universal emotions. We interviewed 90 women from all different backgrounds, walks of life, ethnic and economic backgrounds and situations. We wanted to help deal with universal emotions and each woman is unique but what we FEEL is shared, it’s human nature. We all want to be happy. The Kay Processes in The Nine Rooms of Happiness will help you if you really use them and ask yourself: what am I doing to participate in my own patterns? How can I improve things? Happiness is like fitness, you have to be willing to put in a little work and what you get out of it is totally worthwhile.
What’s next for you two?
More books! Stay tuned.
