The author of the New York Times Best-Selling novel Luckiest Girl Alive, Jessica Knoll posted an online essay revealing that she suffered a similar gang rape as the protagonist of the novel, Ani.
She starts the essay published by Lenny Letter, a newsletter created by Girls frontrunners Lena Dunham and Jenni Kronner, by discussing how she has spent a lot of time deflecting the similarities readers have found between herself and her novel’s protagonist.
“I’ve spent the past year throwing bum grenades like that and running for cover. I dodge left by pointing to all the ways in which my fictional protagonist and I differ.”- via
She goes on to discuss her harrowing rape that’s so similar to what happens to the protagonist in her novel. She mentions that she coped with her rape the same way Ani does in her book— by laughing along with everyone else. It wasn’t until years later that she understood what happened to her when a therapist told her at age 22.
She goes on to discuss the anger that she feels toward her situation and the fear she feels because of it.
“My anger is carbon monoxide, binding to pain, humiliation, and hurt, rendering them powerless. You would never know when you met me how angry I am. Like Ani, I sometimes feel like a wind-up doll. Turn my key and I will tell you what you want to hear. I will smile on cue. My anger is odorless, colorless, and tasteless. It’s completely toxic.”- via
Now Knoll says that she’s ready to discuss what happened to her and call it what it truly is. She’s still afraid, but her bravery persists which to me is the exact definition of courage. You can read her full essay on Lenny Letter, here.
