Do any of you have someone in your life who sucks every
ounce of energy from you? After leaving them you feel down and exhausted? Guess
what, you may be in a toxic relationship.
Here to teach us how to identify these toxic people and
their behaviors is Miami-based cognitive behavioral therapist Tania M. Paredes.
Although she works with both individuals and couples, Paredes is most known for
her successful relationship therapy. She has dished out her advice to media outlets
like Univision, Telemundo, Seventeen Magazine, Psychology Today, and the Miami
Herald. She was even named one of the top 50 couple therapists in the United
States by renowned clinical author Sherry Amatenstein.
With that said, I leave you in very good hands.
By Tania Paredes, L.C.S.W., D.C.S.W.
Many people are in relationships that are unhealthy. This
could be a friend, a parent, a co-worker, or a partner. However, when a
person is in the middle of this relationship, it is often difficult to see how
detrimental the relationship is. If you are not living with integrity, your
life may be full of people who are draining your energy.
So what is a toxic person? A toxic person is anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel
angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused. This does not mean they
are bad, just that the chemistry between the both of you is wrong. It may
be difficult for people to admit they are in a toxic relationship, however,
they have the sense that something is just not right.
Know that when a person is toxic, they are because of their
own issues. Accept that a toxic person’s behavior has nothing to do with you.
In life, each of us has to take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic
people do not do this. They have a habit of turning things around so that you
feel bad, you feel guilty, and you feel like you are at fault.
Now that you what a toxic person is, the next step is to be
able to identify if your partner is indeed toxic. Here are some indicators
he/she may be toxic to you:
1. Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in
front of others.
2. Your partner tells you “I love you” but behavior shows
otherwise.
3. Your partner doesn’t want you to see or talk to other
friends or family.
4. Your partner treats your private stuff as public domain
(mail, your house, email).
5. Your partner does things for you and then uses them to
make you feel obligated.
6. Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are
devalued.
7. You don’t know who you are anymore without him/her, or
how you would survive.
8. You have changed things about yourself to suit your
partner, even when it is not your taste.
9. You always go where your partner wants to, like movies,
restaurants, etc.
10. You have been afraid to speak the truth at times for
fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).
11. You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.
If you need a few more specifics, see if your partner fits
into any of the following five toxic personalities:
The Needy Failure:
This person is smart, well balanced and has a good personality. Unfortunately,
this person can siphon the life out of you every time they say that they need
something or ask you for something. If you go to them with your problems, they
will make you feel like you’re a burden. They won’t pay attention to you, and
it is likely that their one-track mind is only on themselves, never on you.
The Victim:
Everything is about them and there is always something wrong happening to them.
This person is a perpetual martyr and will even go so far as to say that
anything bad that has happened to you is not nearly bad as what’s happened to
them. This person makes mountains out of molehills.
The Guilt Trip Expert:
This person is quite clever. They will offer help even when you don’t ask for
it. However, this person will complain about how hard it was for them to get it
and make you feel guilty about the entire situation, even when you didn’t ask
for it. This person likes to make choices and then complain about the pressure
of how hard their choice is.
The Perpetual Coward:
This person is probably smarter than the top three types of people altogether.
This person notices all of the negative qualities in toxic people. This person
will even complain about it. But when confronted with the person that they have
a problem with, they will say hardly anything and act as if nothing’s wrong.
This is a weak person, a submissive person who likes to play dominant to other
people. But, they can’t deal with real dominants.
The Person with No Soul: This is quite definitely the worst person to be around. This person
has a perpetual entitlement issue. When giving, this person won’t complain but
will give you the least that they can possibly give without hearing a fuss.
This person can literally suck the life out of you.
Take a moment to re-evaluate your relationships,
and ask yourself if your partner is helping you become a better person or
simply draining you.
