Guest Blogger: Sophia
Am I selfish? Am I too old? Am I crazy? These are the questions that hound me- scream at me daily as I throw around the idea of pursuing my dreams… if I could pinpoint exactly what that dream is! I am a 35 year old mother of two little girls… happily married… and my life is devoted to my husband, home and children. They- my husband and kids… not home… are the reason I exist. I love them more than I can ever put into words. It makes me happy to be there for them and to do for them…. It really does. I am a mother and a wife… that is my job. There’s only one problem…… something is missing…. It’s a constant feeling that will not go away no matter how much I try to ignore it. It took me a long time to realize what that something was….. It’s me.
What about me? What about my dreams? My interests? I have all this creativity bottled up inside me and I have no outlet for it. I have talked myself out of this for a while… I believe it is my job to be a mother… it’s my job to be a supportive wife. It was my decision to not go back to FIT after I met my husband. It was my decision to stay home with my kids. No one has forced me to make any decision that I have made. They have all be conscience decisions made with careful thought. That is why it is so confusing to me this feeling of not being fulfilled.
Maybe if I had direction. Maybe if I could pinpoint exactly what it is I want to do. Maybe if I felt that there was something I could do while still being home with my kids. Maybe if it wouldn’t take my time and attention away from the ones who need it most. I could go on with maybes forever. Maybe should not be the word I concern myself with…. FEAR is. I fear pursing my dreams. I fear that I am too old… I mean, what 35 year old mother of two is out there is just deciding to maybe possibly attempt to pursue following the career of their dreams? Let’s not forget I’m not exactly sure what career that is! How many careers out there will allow me time to be home with my kids? What career won’t have me feeling guilty all the time? What career encompasses all my interests- fashion, entertainment, creative writing, reading, and decorating??? And that’s just a few of them!! Planning and organization are two traits that I was lucky enough to be born with… luckily, those will help with anything I may choose to do. Either way, none of them are areas that you can just walk into and say hey- I feel I can do what you do with no real training or experience. This is how I talk myself out of it…. Time and time again…. “I can’t even figure out exactly what it is I want to pursue let alone pursue it!! No one is going to want me at my age? What can I bring to the table that someone else hasn’t already? What makes me different? Who the hell cares what some housewife from NJ has to say??” Fear is definitely the word I should be concerned with….
I am afraid that I am going to put all this energy into something that may bring me nowhere. Then, I would have taken all this time and energy away from my family for nothing. I’m afraid I am going to be laughed at. I mean, how would I even begin on this venture?? I’m afraid that I may not be as good at the things I think I am good at. What if I cannot juggle it all… something has to suffer and it can’t be my children… my husband… they didn’t sign up for me having some kind of mid-life crisis where I need to “find myself!” What if… what if… what if??? The problem is… that despite all these what if’s and fear… and maybe’s… despite all of it… this nagging feeling of needing to do something won’t go away. It haunts me… I mean… what if I’m wrong? What if I can do something that fulfills me and allows me to be the mother and wife I want to be? What if the old adage “you can have it all” is true?? What if I found someone who believed in me???
And there it is… the light bulb moment!! I do need to find someone who believes in me… ME… I need to believe in me. I need to believe that it is OK to take care of my needs too. I mean, who the hell told me that I had to give all that up when I became a mother?? Me… that’s who…. I hold myself to a standard that may be impossible to be held. I am not only a mother… and a wife…. I am a woman… a person who has her own needs… her own dreams… I need to take care of me to. I need to accept that doing this will not and does not make me a bad mother or wife… it will make me a better mother and wife because I will be fulfilled! I will have an outlet. I will have my own identity… doing the things that I love to do! I do not have to give up me… no one ever asked me to… I just assumed as a mother- a good mother I would. I would sit here and encourage and support my husband to follow his dreams. Nurture and raise my girls… teach them to be strong… how to find happiness… to fight for what they believe in… to not take no for an answer…. Have a strong sense of self… be confident fulfilled women… to follow their heart while using their heads… how to be a good supportive wife and a loving devoted mother. That anything they want is within their reach…. That no one can stand in their way… How am I supposed to do teach them all of this when I am not capable of doing it myself?? I am the one standing in my own way… I am the one telling me it can’t happen… I am the one who isn’t fighting for what I believe in… I am the one who is crippling me with fear. ME. Some role model I am turning out to be….
I guess I have made my decision. I AM GOING TO DO IT. I am going to find a creative outlet for myself. Instead of using the excuse that I cannot even pinpoint exactly what I want to do, I’m going to see it as a blessing and asset because that is all the more areas I can pursue. Instead of thinking that I won’t be able to juggle it all… I am going to juggle it all. Instead of thinking my age is hindrance; I’m going to see it as knowledge and experience. Instead of thinking what makes me different, I am going to be different! Instead of thinking no one is going to believe in me… I AM GOING TO BELIEVE IN ME. I am going to do it… if for no other reason that my husband and daughters can be proud of me… and I can show my daughters that I believed in myself and pushed when there seemed to be more reasons not to than reasons to.
Either way, I’ll be happier. I can’t be upset because I didn’t have something I never tried for…. I won’t look back and wished I would have taken the chance.
I am not too old. I am still a fabulous wife and mother. I am just going to learn that that doesn’t mean I can’t be a fabulous woman too. Because I can… and I will…..
Follow Sophia @sophieschoice99
About Sophia: –>
My name is Sophia… I have been happily married for 8 years . I have been blessed with two healthy beautiful daughters. I love my husband and children more than anything else is this world… I didn’t know what love was until them. I have an amazing family and a fabulous circle of friends that I consider my family. I love ALL things fashion and I am slightly obsessed with the entertainment world. I am addicted to my blackberry no matter how hard I try not to be. I love to read, cook, decorate, shop, write, go out to dinner & the movies, I LOVE make-up, accessories and dressing up! I am a complete girly girl! I have several OCD’s and I do not make excuses for them… it’s who I am and it took me a long time to embrace that. I am a woman who is learning to take care of me… I deserve my own time and attention without feeling guilty for it. I am learning that it is never too late to pursue your dreams and I am hoping to teach my daughters that there is no limit to your dreams… only the limits you place on them. I am trying to be the best wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt and friend that I can be. And I am trying to not feel guilty when I am not able to manage it all. I am on a journey to find my authentic self… and loving every minute of it.
